Aesthetic Devil

On Hiatus.

2011-01-12T22:48:00.000-07:00

It makes my heart pound.
I'll be back by February 28th, 2011.

For now, I'll scream.
I hope to god, I get in.

The Art Institute of Vancouver Structured Work Experience and Training

그남자, 바보. Birthday

2011-01-07T23:31:00.003-07:00

Happy Birthday, 야노

"Thanks for happying my birthday."

Because I'm lame, I insisted on being the first to greet you.
Because I'm greedy, I stubbornly want you by my side.
Because I'm pathetic, I am patiently waiting for you.

Because I'm like this, Because I'm a fool,

~~I think I'm in love you;~~ I feel sorry towards you.

그여자, 바보.

Riddle

2011-01-01T17:36:00.001-07:00

It's impossible, right?
To stay by your side, her side, and his side.

credits: aiki-ame

No, you didn't stop me.
You got me to move.

"Always planning to 'run off' but never going through with it. Coward."

Am I wrong? To have believed those words.
Not knowing who belonged to them. But just in case. I believed them.
So I wouldn't disappoint you.

I never know when I'm moving. I never noticed that I was.
I just thought. "They're always there and I'm always here"

Not being able to express myself, has ruined my relationship with her,
Where she can't even recognize her own daughter.

~~Atlast~~ Alas, I've found my answer.It's a brand new year. A new beginning.But ㅡ the same story.

I am here and I exist.

2010-12-29T00:59:00.000-07:00

I'm a coward.
I let them coldly turn their backs on me.

credits: aquafeles

I'll give up on you.

It's not like you ever tried.

"Just. Do what you want to do."

"But what if. What I want to do is wrong?"

"But it's what you want to do. How can it be wrong?"

"But isn't there a difference? Between should and want."

"Yeah, but there's an even bigger difference between being unhappy and happy."

It's just two more years that I'd have to endure this.
"Two more years may not seem long, but they'll always be your 'family'."

Here I am. I am here.
Here I am. I am now here.
But ㅡ you probably do not know.

late christmas.

2010-12-26T03:48:00.018-07:00

credits: cleoag

and the days are changing.

It's been awhile since I last posted.
Not much has changed.
~~Christmas~~ Another day just passed by.

I think I'm going to go back to learning.
Being easily fascinated by whatever I can find.
I'll stumble a lot, but perhaps I'll come across a memory.

I'll sit here under the same sky.
I won't jargogle myself, I'll freck through life
and deliciate what will come my way.

Do you love him?

죄송합니다

2010-12-11T01:16:00.000-07:00

color your world by *j-box

I can already feel my insanity crawling up onto my spine.
I've gone psychotic. I'll be deranged. And I'm fatuous.

I'm sorry, for living.

Tutorial.

2010-11-30T19:39:00.001-07:00

Adding Background Music.
Image tutorial HERE

1. Copy the embed code off of youtube.
<object width="640" height="385"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/9c1txitx4bI?fs=1&hl=en_US"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/9c1txitx4bI?fs=1&hl=en_US" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="640" height="385"></embed></object>

2. Remove the highlighted area from above.
Leaving you with this:
<embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/9c1txitx4bI?fs=1&hl=en_US" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="640" height="385"></embed>

3. Replace underline area with:
&autoplay=1&loop=1&color1=0xffffff&color2=0xffffff

4. Change the height and width to "0"

Love, 김소라

I want to become a Flowerpot.

2010-11-27T23:52:00.001-07:00

Alas! I have given up the "30 day challenge", and what a challenge it was.
I didn't even go through with it. I shall go back to my 'usual' posts....

via here

Running away like this; Am I a coward?

"You're just running away because you're scared of caring about other people.
Coward."

I won't deny that.

I hate becoming close to others,
I hate caring for other people,
I hate people walking out on me,
But I walk out on them.

I hate the people here.
The teachers. The school.

"Stop making excuses."

When I run away, I mean,
I move schools. Houses.
I take a different path.

"You have courage. You can still move."

Honestly, I ran out of places to run to.
I wish I could just, disappear..
They'll be laying flowers on my life.

"Death is the coward-way out."

I don't think I'm worthless. I love myself (to an extent).
I just can't live, can't breathe. I don't want to.
I can't let this feeling go. I'm sorry.

The sun would still shine bright.
The sea would still shimmer blue.
The dog would still wag its tail.
And the bunny... ~~would~~ could still fall in love.

やめて。。。

2010-11-15T23:52:00.000-07:00

"소라, 왜 안가?"

please, don't look for me.

I drink my routinely hot chocolate.
In my humble corner in this spacious room..

I'm perfect, right?
I should have nothing to worry about.
To complain about. To cry about.

So, I run around...
Trying to make miracles out of my twinkle dust.
Wishing, Hoping, Smiling.

I'm tired. But I shouldn't complain.
I still smile, I'm still happy, so it's okay.

& yet, all I want in return is ㅡ him.
"But that's wrong." I know. I'm sorry.

"I like unggoys."

I'm getting it wrong again, right?
I'm wrong. I'm wrong.
I have to be wrong.

"Will you marry me?"

I don't want love to take me away.

Because once upon a time,
I dreamed of my happily ever after.
With her and her but no you.

But, I already trust you.

"Imperfection"

2010-11-07T01:42:00.001-06:00

Alas, my usual routine. A cup of hot chocolate and procrastination on my homework.

credits: here

Because you knew what was wrong,
I wanted a hug from you.

Because you comforted me that night,
I wanted to give you a hug.

Nevertheless,

You're too self conscience and your words never match up with your actions.

oh, and you're stuck up too.

I'm not good at understanding things.
And my reasoning is usually disagreeable.

Yes, I'm annoying and at times a burden.
And I'm incapable of doing the simplest things.

Math is not my forte,
The word "fuck" has become part of my everyday-vocabulary,
And the fact that I'm short, that I cannot change.

Flaw:

a feature that mars the perfection of something or someone.

credits: here

"Well, why should you care about my opinion?"
"Well, if you think about it, you didn't or don't like me back so I'm curious on why don't or didn't you."
"Just don't be curious about it."
"Why not? I can't help that... It's been a year already."
"Well, just don't."
"Why not... ?"
"Cause it's me, so don't."
"Well, it's me. So tell me."
"Why Should I?"
"Cause I think I have the right to know."
"No you don't."
"Yes I do.. Why don't I deserve to know?"
"'Cause I don't allow you to know."
"... Please?"
"No."
"Why not?!"
"Hmmm, cause me no English..?"
"But you just spoke English."
"No English me Korean."
"...Why can't I know?"
"Cause I don't know."
"How can you not know?"
"Cause... I have two different souls."
"Well. Which soul am I talking to?"
"The nice one."
"Well! If you're the nice soul, tell me why."
"The other soul has that memory."
"...Can I speak to that soul?"
"He's sleeping. He'll get mad if I wake him up."
"...Wait, do you even know what we're arguing about?"
"No.. I don't."
"I'm asking you about my flaws.. the flaws that made you not like me. Gets?"
"I don't understand. Me no English. The one that speaks English is other soul."

I think I've gone insane.

Always Smile

2010-11-02T22:16:00.075-06:00

credits: cyworld.co.kr

In a non-scientific way, why is the sky blue?

I think I've lost my insanity up in the clear sky.
"Everyone sees you as 'perfect', didn't you know that? You portray the 'typical' perfection. So 'perfect' that, you're always moving ahead while others are lagging behind."

When the clouds break off, rain will fall.
"What do you hate about me? -Nothing. No seriously, what do you hate about me? -Seriously, actually, nothing." Then why don't you like me?

When my shelter is destroyed, tears will flow.
"What's wrong? Nothing." I'm just scared.

Each Raindrop; Each Tear
My 'imperfections' will be revealed like this.

The 'day sky' is light blue right? So, like, the sky wants people to be all bright during the day. Then when it's the "night sky" people are tired from being happy, so the sky wants them to get rest.

He is my 'imperfection'
In my 'flawless' life.

He's so imperfect; That he's perfect.
Because you are you; And I am me.

I come and go. I walk out; I leave behind my mess.

"Really? You really think I'll still know you in ten years?"
"If you stay here, then I'll make sure to still know you."

For ten ~~motherfucking~~ years, you're willing...
To take care of the annoying/burdensome me?

"Well too bad. You'll be all mine"

I already am.

"They both want you. For selfish reasons."
Why me? To possess me.

But why?
"To have ~~a better quality of life~~ happiness."

Mahal Kita!
사랑해요!

You, still exist.

2010-10-31T18:14:00.000-06:00

You hated me at first sight, but you had to put up with me. And now I just stuck to you, hoping you'll still like me.

credits: here

You're my sister. How can I hate you?
If there's a way, then tell me

Did you know, on Friday...
My eyes hurt, because I let my eye get infected, My stomach hurt, because I refuse to eat any meals, My head hurt, because I did not get any sleep that night, My throat hurt, because I haven't been taking my medicine, My heart hurt, because I'm losing everyone to what I've always feared the most, I wanted to cry, because I'm scared.

I can't be around.
Because you're happy & I'm not.
I'll bring you down with me. To hell.

Don't come with me.
And just, stay with him.

I tried. I've always tried. I fell in love with him, to be closer to you. It worked. But in the end, I did, truly, fell for him. But I managed to face what I fear the most, "love". I faced it, because you were by my side. Because it was you that convinced me, I believed in it. Now, that I'm left alone with "love" surrounding me, I'm scared; I cry. I cry when I'm scared.

It's okay. I knew this side of you existed. I wanted to see 'her' for myself. And I did. But because 'she's' part of you, I cannot hate you. You, not keeping your word, that's a total different meaning.

credits: here

"But when I cling onto you. You don't like it. So I'm just going to watch you leave."

It's not that I don't like it, it's just that.
You've already let me go.

"I'm just letting you leave now because that's all you want."

I don't know what I want. I never know what I want.
But I know what I don't want. I told you before,
you just never listened. I don't want to leave.

"Well sooner or later I will be gone, so will Umi."

I know. I know that very well. But, that doesn't mean;
You and her have to be gone now. Especially,
without trying.

"But at least I tried. I can't let him go. I didn't want to leave you either. So I tried."

No, you didn't. I tried. I patiently waited for you,
It was you, that never showed.
It was you, that expected me to follow.
To drag along your path, with him.

I followed.
You're blinded by love.
You didn't see me, get lost.
In your own god damn path.

"I'll leave him to come back to you."

But...
I'm lost.

"But I can't do anything unless you tell me to."

But...
I'm dying. Can't for once...

Can't you save me?

Relationships can't work between close friends.

See. I told you. I am Nana, and you are Hachi.
They are our predictable ending.

credits: here

I wonder...
Where I'll go.

15752

2010-10-28T23:32:00.003-06:00

credits: here

He hasn't confessed; You're not convinced.
Therefore, the game isn't over. Not yet.

You've got to be ~~fucking~~ kidding me.
> Dialed: 48 mins 31 sec
< Received: 69 mins 21 sec
total: 117 mins 52 sec
1 hour 57 mins 52 sec

Holy mother ----k.

Round 1.

"IT'S SO COLD."
"Not really, only my hands are cold, 'cause I'm on the phone, with you."
"Oh. Well, my hands are cold too, 'cause I'm on the phone, with you."
"... K. Then lets hang up."
"Okay. Hang up."
"......"
"......"
"So, what's up?"

I won.

Round 2.

"Well she hated me. She always told me to f--- off and told me, you hated me."
"I NEVER said that. So, that's why you avoided me?
"Well, yeah... pretty much."
"Why'd she hate you?"
"'Cause, I LIKE- you too."

He won.

Round 3.

"...And then in December I'd have to move."
"(Happy) HAHAHAHAHA yes! To __________"
"Noooo, to the P----------"
Silence
"Oh... really? That... sucks..."
"Yeah..."
"Why though? Why there?"

I won.

Ding Ding Ding.
We have a winner.
Yet, no one's losing either.

The Sky is just, a Dream.

2010-10-27T21:47:00.000-06:00

I'm cruel; I'm deceiving; I'm a liar.
Just hate me, and it'll be okay.
That I can promise you.

credits: here

Do you think drinking a lot of hot chocolate would make my heart warmer?"

The snow has fallen; The game has ended.
The last first snow; The last game.

I won.
He suffered; but I cried.

As I watch him suffer,
I hid behind the clouds
Holding in the salty rain.

I lost.
He won me over.

As I held in the tears,
He hid behind my heart
Holding in the bitter coldness.

If you want me; then take me.
Then you will see,
Me die warmly into your arms.

"Love: is the ability to melt a cold ice-like heart."

Liar. Liar.

2010-10-16T23:53:00.001-06:00

I lied when I said,
"I don't know how to lie."

The truth is,
"I don't know how to tell the truth."

credits: as tagged

More than half my life, I completely and totally bullshitted.
I don't remember my past, because I made up lies to cover up the truth.

I lied to the point where,
I can no longer tell the difference...
Between my lies -- or my truths.

I want to. Tell the truth.
But I can't, because -
My pride won't let me.

Not telling the whole truth; you're still lying.

In the end (no matter what)
I could be lying, even now.

I'm leaving once again; I'll start a new lie.
And maybe, this time; It'll be the truth.

I'm not afraid to die, because in the end.
I can't become something (anything).

I'm half-assed, because I have no heart.
No passion ㅡ for something or anything.

Scoff. You believed me so easily.
Do you remember?
The first thing I taught you.
"Don't trust anyone."

I thought.
I changed too.
Guess not.

I'm still half-assed.
I'm still heart-less.
I'm still deceiving.
I'm still cruel.

No matter how much ...
Being like this ...
Protects me.
Saved me.
I want to escape from it.

"I think it's a family thing"
It feels like a curse. A mother fucking curse.

I was so desperate, that I sought to believe,
That he would be the one to save me,
From myself. I was wrong.

It's so damn hard.
For me to let you go.

Wake up.

2010-10-12T23:51:00.017-06:00

"You're awake... It's not a dream."

credits: as tagged [c] MCTGarcia photography

my pocketful of dreams.
It was a dream, right?
All just a dream.

Where I am the dreamer,
and you are the dream.

"I woke up at exactly, 11:11 AM this morning ㅡ ㅡ.., SO, I decided to make a wish"
"what did you wish for?"
"I don't remember."
"LOL that just makes me think of the song, Airplanes"
"I swear to god, I think I wished for something bad. xD"

10.09.10

To be honest, I wished to see Yano on Tuesday.

It came true.

"Do you dream of him?"
"Random question. lol."
"Well, you said, you don't dream much, but do you dream of him?"
"Uh... Maybe?"

Today felt like a dream.
Not a happy one,
But not a sad one.

Last night,
I dreamt of seeing you.
In the caf. You approached me.
As I stood there carelessly with Nina.
& you did

It was a coincidence. Right? It has to be. At least. A coincidence.
If not ... It was a dream. Today was just, a dream.
Once I wake up... I'll forget that you stood by my side.
I'll forget.
Because it was all a dream.

내가 미첬어.

History.

2010-10-08T02:58:00.000-06:00

Dear Mr. 곰,
Because I can't exactly talk to you. I'll continue writing letters to you. No, I don't expect you to read it... I just kind of hope that you do.

"There's a .. LOOOOONG history about Yamada."
"uhh... what is it..?"
".. why?"
"cause I wanna know..?"
"Why...?"
"uhh.. I don't know."

You should've said, "Why won't you tell me?"
'Cause I would've said, "Because I'm too afraid of losing you."

It's been a year... & I've always avoided that question.

To be honest with you, no. I did not like Yamada. When I first met Yamada, I thought, "woooow, what a coincidence that I get to see someone from my old junior high," so, I started talking to him more. Being in a new school, I decided to be "kind" to "help" others when they ask for it. Yes, I'm stupid, because I didn't know the meaning of "help" or how to be "kind". But, I had to make friends; I didn't exactly know anyone. Once my ex left (please don't ask ㅡ ㅡ), Yamada and Kaito started talking to me more. Telling me, "oh you could do so much better," etc, it was nice of them, I have to admit.

Then I found out, Nina "liked" Yamada. So, I dropped him, and decided to get closer to Kaito instead. Somewhere along the lines, Nina said that I, can have Yamada, and that she no longer liked him. So, I eventually got closer to Yamada, since it seemed easier due to the fact that Yamada's in my class. And then he always asked me for "help". His kind of help, was doing the whole god damn thing. So, I thought, "since it's what he wants, I'll do it." So, I did it. I guess, it piled on after that...

I did make a promise. That was my fault since I agreed to it. He asked me, "you're going to help me until I move to Korea, right? You promise, right?" I did, say yes... (I regret it but... in the end, it was my fault). And I did end up breaking the promise.

I got stress. Honestly, at that moment, I thought I was completely insane. I was stupid, cause I actually had to think about whether I lose you or him (Yamada). Now that I look at how things are now, it kind of feels like I lost both. 내가 바보.

That day. That day where I ran away from home and got myself lost in your old area (Oct. 20, '09). That was the day I fell for you (it's almost a year). That was the day... that I was so sure. But you kept mentioning him to me, "oh Yamada's leaving on this day," Yamada this, Yamada that. I guess, I got mad at you. And to clearly end things, I gave Yamada a cupcake that Christmas. I only wished him happiness in that card, that's it. But once he left for Korea, honestly, I missed you more.

But I was too afraid to talk to you, 'cause I thought you hated me (or at least mad) for chasing after Yamada. I'm not sure... if that's true, but that's what I thought.

"Hey what's Yamada like??"
"uh, hard to say"
"Hmm... define Yamada."
"Why?..."
"Cause I want to know who he is"

Yamada... 나쁜놈 그리고 병신. 그래서, 내가 Yamada씨 싫어요.

I wish I could say this face-to-face. While I was typing this up, I cried. While I was reading through my old conversations with you, I cried... and laughed. So honestly, if I was to tell you this upfront, face-to-face, straight-up, I'd probably, cry. And because of my pride, I hate crying in front of people. But I do wish... I could've explained this 1. a long time ago and 2. face-to-face.

Dear Mr. 곰,

2010-10-06T23:34:00.001-06:00

I'm a fighter. I've never played such a foolish game.
I throw things. I break things. I watch things get hurt.
Cruelly. Cynically. Happily.

credits: here

Dear Mr. 곰,

You've been taking care of Nina's star very well. You treasured it. You loved it. And, you didn't break it. 너 멋지다. Can I really play this game with you? It's been so long... Can't you just, stop playing around? I'm waiting. I'm not even sure what I'm waiting for. But for some reason, I can't move forward, so I might as well wait. Wait for what? ~~For you.~~ But I shouldn't. Then, I'll lose.

You already said,
"No. ~~I think so.~~ I feel sorry, but no."

You already stopped texting me. Maybe, I should stop. I just, don't know how to.
I'm sorry, if I bothered you all this time. I'm sorry, if I became a burden to you. Did you know, I hate apologizing the most? Yet... Throughout the year, I've apologized to you the most, probably in my entire life. I already feel weak, apologizing to you like this... 내가 바보..

If I asked you to tell me, would you?
Because I still like you.
미안해... I'm causing trouble again.

I won't forfeit.
Like I said,
I guarantee you..
I will win.

P.S. I miss you, but it's okay.
I don't expect you to miss me back.

Black or White

2010-10-04T09:54:00.001-06:00

Alas! I now have a morning spare. Sounds wonderful. Spiffy even. But heller boring.

I guess I'm cruel. I like seeing people in pain. I want to see you hurt. Even you.

"Hey, does Nina have her phone back?"
Stop making excuses.
Just tell me.

Black or White.
No grays.
No ~~motherfocking~~ Rainbow.

Do you feel that sorry for me?
You wanna die?

I want it to be something more

The days are still warm...

Only rain has fallen,

Not a single snowflake.

I guess you're lucky;

See you soon.

Well. He just texted me. ㅋ;
I guess, I'm "winning."
But I'll still be digging two graves.

Everywhere You Are.

2010-09-28T22:54:00.003-06:00

I keep blogging about you...

credits: here

Honestly. I want to move schools.
But if I do, it's there where he is...

No^... I'm not avoiding him.
No^... He's not holding me back.

그냥.

No^... I don't want to go cause he is there.
No^... I don't want to be with him.

그냥.

I keep wanting to leave^...
But I never do.
Now, that I have my chance,
Should I take it?

I hate how ^...
I have a heart that beats.
And I care too much to just. leave.

"But ^... he did it unconsciously, you're doing it on purpose."
"He did it 'unconsciously' for a year."

나쁜놈 누구지 지금?

Just a Picture of You.

2010-09-27T22:50:00.008-06:00

Alas, I'm starting to get that habit of blogging everyday.

credits: here

Are you okay? (-┏)
"I'm sorry for calling you a jerk (repeatedly) and canning you like that."
"It's okay, but... are you okay?"
"Of course I am."
"Oh well that's good..."

I'll be digging my own grave.
If I keep believing that, you like me.
But I'm still playing this game with you.

Everything I have left,
Is just [a] photo[s] of you.

Can you do me a favour?
hmm?
Tell me you ~~don't~~ like me.
Sraight-up.
fucking, straight-up.

And my smile disappears when the lights go out.

Round 1.

2010-09-26T21:47:00.000-06:00

credits: here

"I got over you in 3 ~~motherfocking~~ days."

I lied. I think. I hope.

I was serious, when I called you a
병신 and 나쁜놈

"너 싫어요."
I don't hate you.
But, I don't like you.

"I can't get up..." Honestly, if you gave me your hand, I wouldn't have taken it. So then...How'd you know to take mine?
Fuck no. You don't like me. The End.
I don't know... What I'm saying.What I'm doing. ~~FUCK~~

Round 1: let's call it a tie.

Oh. & I'm sorry for canning you like that.

Let's Play a Game.

2010-09-25T14:46:00.000-06:00

credits: here

The perfect yet worst Hacker.

Let's play a game.

I guarantee you,

I'll win.

When the first snow falls,

The game will be over.

[Love] You [/Hate]

2010-09-22T18:46:00.001-06:00

credits: here

I have to admit, I'm pretty pissed.

I'll only shed one tear for you. Just one.

On my right eye.

'Cause to be ~~fucking~~ honest with you,

I am... Mad at you.

I don't want to say bad things about you,

because I did like you.

I have no idea why. I j u s t d i d .

You're a jerk,

Not because you said "no",

Not because ...

You don't have the same feelings as I do,

I'm not kind of person to get mad at such a silly thing.

But because you felt sorry for me

Wow, just wow. ~~Fuck you.~~

Thank you.

'Cause now I can get over you.

But dare to fucking touch me;

Well then. (LOL)

I won't hate you.

But I'm not sure,

If I can be friends with you.

I don't regret it.

I'm glad it was you,

Because it was you, I'm glad.

"But, why does she like me? I'm not good looking. I'm not that nice. I smoke too."

I know.

I'm quite aware of your flaws (lol)

But, I'm not sure either.

In my eyes...

I saw you very handsomely-cute,

I thought you were one of the sweetest boys out there

And smoking didn't change who you were [are].

Because you were [are] you

Is why I liked you.

Because you asked, I thought I'd answer

Before I leave, and say goodbye.

I really did like you.

To be honest, I liked you a lot.

So much, that I thought it was scary.
So much, that I thought I was kind of creepy.
ㅋㅋㅋㅋ...

He was a jerk, He is a jerk.
And no I didn't like him.
I never did. I never will.

Day 14: The End

2010-09-14T22:00:00.000-06:00

Final Post

Snow White by~ EliseEnchanted

Finally.
The last post
for the manga.
So, I probably will stop posting for awhile.

He said "He Can't"
it's too far.

Alas. That's the ending.

Day 13: Simple

2010-09-13T22:42:00.001-06:00

And it all makes sense

Clockwork Heart by ~Gosia

It's all very simple you see.
His heart; you see.

It's all very complex you see.
Her heart; you see.

첫사랑.

Day 12: Too much...

2010-09-12T22:41:00.000-06:00

Holy Fock.

After a couple of weeks of school . . .

credits: here

All this shit piles up.

No drama

No bullshit

Just god damn homework.

Yeah, sure, everyone gets homework.

But O - M - G

I think I've officially gotten stupider.

I think I've gotten weaker.

I got sick today. again. I'm not even sure why I get sick so much easier now...

Umi's right, I'm unhealthy. But I sleep for 7 hours and my body already feels like it's about to collapse. And I just hurl up and die ㅡ ㅡ.. Sigh. Alas, I need my exact 8 hours now until I get better~

Day 11: Set Me Free

2010-09-11T23:48:00.003-06:00

Cage by mikeinel

It's been a year...
Since you are not setting me free
I'll set myself free.

Whether I'm ending this story, or starting a new one ...

I'll be free.

Spent majority of the day with Riku ^^~ Rather dandy. Ate some pizza, got some ice cream. Talked about ' love-problems ', studied. Overall, a spiffy day, I think, lol.

Day 10: Stop

2010-09-10T19:52:00.000-06:00

My heart tells me: yes

My mind tells me: no

For the past 15-or-so years,

I've only listened to my mind.

Never really realizing...

That I even had a heart.

It never spoke.

It never thought.

It never skipped a beat

Until now.

But why now?

Stop arguing...

Stop yelling...

I'll just, stop falling for him.

So my head won't stop pounding.
And my heart can stop beating.

Day 9: I want the truth.

2010-09-09T15:25:00.014-06:00

Yano made a friend.

"wooow, after 2 weeks... you finally made a friend?"

Waiting For You by The-Silver-Doe

How...
Contradicting.
Confusing.
>________<

She says (that you say):

You want a girlfriend here. That it's not too far.

You say (to me):

You won't visit here. That it's too far.

Never-the-less, I'm waiting. . . .

"Are you?"

Day 8: 143. . . . 이상해.

2010-09-08T23:23:00.022-06:00

credits as tagged.

Honestly, I spent the entire day feeling regretful ㅠㅠ. I didn't even talk to him today. I was just, out of it ㅡ ㅡ. Lately, I feel weird? Usually, yes, I'm known to be the "weird" one. But really, I do feel weird and it's weird.

I can't look at other guys anymore. I feel like I'm cheating on him which is "wtf?" in my head. 'Cause it's not like we're going out. (=_=)" Yet, I feel some strange guilt in me that makes me turn away from H.A.G.S (Hot Asian Guys). And I've also noticed that how I dress is so much more lacking since the day he left...

I think I've gone insane.
actually.

No matter what. I'm still doing it.

No matter how many times I say "no"

or "I can't". I'm still doing it.

♥

Day 7: Oh gosh,

2010-09-07T23:42:00.000-06:00

First off: Happy Birthday to my little brother (^-^)/

Where Are You Going? by ~Loving-You-Everyday

oh gosh

what a cutie.

Anyways (^^)/, so finally got to see Yano today. Oh god what a trip ㅡ ㅡ.. ~~never wanna go there again~~ going there again sometime next week. I have to admit, it's actually not that far. Although, I have having to pay the extra dollar >_> and never never take a cab down in that area. Ended up waiting for half-an-hour for a cab that never came. Overall, it's a day to look back onto and smile and laugh at. I have to admit, it was a long day. I'm not sure if it was just me, but hooooooly frap. We left at around noon-ish, took the bus at 1-ish, got there at 1:40-ish and stuck there till 4-ish. Then! We finally saw Yano. I think it was pretty... worth it.

I didn't do it T_T I'm sorry, sorry, sorry.
I'll do it next time ^^v I promise!

He really does look like a bear ㅋ

6 Days

2010-09-05T22:10:00.182-06:00

I'm stuck at an impulse

I'm ready to do anything

and everything

oh, WHAT NOW.

well, I haven't been able to post for awhile...
So Imma do this as carelessly as possible.

Day 1: Higher.

model: 호전연

I have to admit, I didn't sleep well that night. Well, I pretty much didn't sleep at all. I'm not even sure why. But I woke up with a pounding head but I put myself into a good mood to get ready for "the first day of school". Typically of me, to ignore my health and just be "happy".

Design Studies ~~20 Arch~~. Whoa. I miss him again
Memories just flooded back into my mind.

My bus broke down. And I was stuck on a bridge for over an hour. To top it off, it was raining ㅡ ㅡ. Ended up walking down some street in the misty rain.

And then I cracked.
But I was suppose to be ready.

Day 2: 바보.

Happy Birthday 알빈유 오빠 <3 ~!
사랑해요 :)

I'm stubborn. So I refuse to admit that "I'm sick". I know, I know, I'm sick. But that's not the point. I lost my point. Well, yeah I'm sick, so? it's probably cause I miss him. I know. As much as I hate it, I know.

BBQ. Cotton Candy. Taro BBT. His "Wassup?". His Smile.

So. Perfect.
So perfect. That I got sick.

credits: as tagged.

Day 3: "Are you Korean?"

Went home early. Had to pack. >________>
However~! Feeling a lot better I must admit.

credits: as tagged

"Happy One Year Anniversary >:D"
"What kind of anniversary is it?"
"I've known you for one entire year ^^"
"Oh really? I didn't know lol"
"Well, you suck"
fail, LOL.

None-the-less, I'm happy.

Dear Yano,
It's been one entire year since I've known you. And holy mother ella, a lot of shiz went down. (Ignore my language). I apologize~ for all the drama that ended up happening... but I have to admit it was a pretty... 'interesting' first year of high school. Honestly, I still remember how I met you. I was doodling away writing "빅뱅" and you noticed. Then asked me, "Are you Korean?". Obviously, I said "No". And I'm not sure exactly what happened after that. Lets see...

Starbucks (Americano + Vanilla Bean Frap.), YMCA, Meeting 홍석 and 경모, the cupcakes, the keychain, being locked in a bathroom (니나's birthday), going to the library, the abandoned apartment, the fat female dog, Luna's birthday party, the snowball fights, the fights..., you flicking my head (>__>), "fcuk you" "no don't"
~~첫사랑~~
AND A LOT MORE~ ㅎ..

Wasn't it FUN?
I hope you're doing fine in your new school ^^; I'll visit you soon~

Day 4: Impulsive, Repulsive.

Woooooow. Well. Time to plan my revenge back on Nina. >__> if you read her post she played a prank on me ㅠㅠ. I have to admit I was kind of stupid for falling for it ㅡ ㅡ.. but ugh. I was a boat. She ruined my entire ride on the boat, on the speed boat. ㅜㅜ.. on the mother fucking boat.

I'll do everything that Nina says ^^ as promised for the entire month. I shall become impulsive~! I think it'll be fun. Actually.

Day 5: Out in the forest

I lost my cellphone in the forest. It ended up being in a men's outhouse/washroom. I don't even know. And I kind of don't want to know. That was probably my highlight of this whole camping trip. I made a wish at 11:11 am. Hoping that... my cellphone would turn up. Ten minutes later, I find my cellphone.

Oh! And Thank you to Yano for doing me a favour so early in the morning. >_< Sorry Nina Unnie! But I don't know your number by heart ㅡ ㅡ......

Not much to blog. Hazy lazy day, in a trailer.

Day 6: Omg.

credits: as tagged

Kay. I spent majority of the day trying to blog this god damn post. >_> and Done!

- Stubbornly figured out how to get to St. A (visiting Yano tomorrow~!)
ssssh, parents don't know
- Finished my math and biology homework T wT
- Be fat, happily ^^
- *sniffles* No longer sick! *coughs*

Oh gosh this took me forever. And probably forever to read >:D
Well~! Because I was sick for majority of the days and then ended up camping once I felt ... slightly better.. I ended up spending today (day 6) sitting lazily on the computer. :3

Task One.

2010-08-31T17:22:00.001-06:00

School's Tomorrow.

& quite frankly, I'm still not looking forward to it.

credits: fuckyeahphotographics

"I'm your angel, but you can't see me"
"Ok, be my angel. It's okay if I don't see you. I just need to know you're by my side."

Dear Princess Nina,

I won't repeat myself again for our deal that starts tomorrow. Truthfully speaking, I want to be able to take risks again. Something I haven't done for so long. While being in the state of 'love', I never really once took a risk, not that I can recall at least. I've been a coward all this time; running away him while clinging and naively depending on him. I'm pathetic. Because all this time, I wasn't able to move, you tried to drag me, but I refused, and stayed standing. Why? Because all this time, I was so afraid of love. You became weary, you became tired, and I wasn't even able to pull you back up. Instead, I pulled you down with me.

And god damn, be grateful for that moment. Why? Because it was ~~fucking~~ worth it.

You got everything you wanted. Yeah So (did I)? Be happy about it.

I chose to suffer the consequences for you (& him). I knew. But I still did it.

ㅡ Sora

P.S. I'll hide you from him.

"Love doesn't make you throw away your pride, It defends your pride. "

Oh. And I really want Starbucks. ㅠㅠ

Confession

2010-08-28T21:11:00.003-06:00

야! 야노, 널 좋아해.

Ya! Yano, I like you.

I wish I said it to him in person.

I'm sorry

Too many things happening at once

>_<

now what?

Fuck Yeah.

2010-08-22T01:21:00.001-06:00

Nawh. I'm not pissed.

credits: girlsholic.co.kr/

I've just never felt so...

Happy?

- Taking my learners test on Monday.
- Making 오빠 his birthday card
- Applied for 2 jobs (got rejected by one. but that's okay.)
- Applying for more. Wooo.
- Getting ready for school
- Working out this week
- Finishing up Lola's story

I'm ready.

For it.

All.

Fuck Yeah

I'm looking forward to it.

All of it.

I like you. So?
I'm in denial, but I'll admit it if you ask.

Now what.

My family's broke and poor. So?
I've never spent so much laughs with them,
For once.

Hells Yeah.

I don't think of her or him.

oh, well I'm sorry.

Ready. Set. 가.

2010-08-10T15:29:00.000-06:00

No. I'm not leaving. not yet.

I don't regret it.

So don't worry.

" There isn't a point in regretting it now. You know. "

I know.

I don't regret it.

I have you

So. It's okay?

right?

It's okay.

It's ok.

Ya. 니나.

I packed up, everything.

I picked up all the pieces that she broke.

Guess what?

I'm ready.

She's ready.

finally.

to let you go

Are you happy?

행복해?

No more worries.

No more burden.

No more suffer.

No more pain.

No more sky.

But

근데

you have her wings.

She said she'll wait.

For you

To give her, her wings.

I hope, you have been taking care of them.

Her wings.

Always dry them.

Comb them.

Brush them.

Clean them.

Take care of them.

And when you're ready

Give them to her

then

She

Will

Fly

I am ready

She is ready

Are you?

Dear Emma,

Hi. How are you? Are you eating well? Are you healthy? Are you taking care of yourself? I wish I knew. To be honest... I don't remember much. I don't remember all the stupid things we did together. I don't remember. I'm sorry. But I remember that feeling. I remember it well. The feeling of walking on cotton candy as if they were the clouds. As if, we were up in the sky. But still able to reach the beautiful sea. You were in the middle. Lol, even in height.

Although, I'm the one who left. I'm sorry. I came back, didn't I? I waited, and waited. You never came back. Even though, I have them... I still miss "you".

- Maria.

Funny. I want the feeling back, but not "you".

I blamed him.

2010-08-03T10:20:00.005-06:00

I got "soft"

I hate it.

I hate being nice. I hate being something I'm not.

It makes me want to hurl, thinking,

"frick. I have to do this for him or her."

But it stuck to me.

Get it fucking away from me

Before I left you with her

I remember...

You telling me to be kind.

You teaching me to be kind.

So I thought,

in this new place...

I will be,

kind.

So I was.

To him

to her

I thought,

"being kind, means helping"

I'm ~~not~~ wrong.

But I'm ~~not~~ right.

I knew..
the reason why she fell.
She helped everyone
Her stubbornness made her...
insist on falling in love

I became like her
I don't blame her
I can't blame her

Because I decided to be kind.

So she can never see the cruel, monster that I really am.

I don't want to be kind.
He said, "you changed for the better"
But for who?
For me?
or for her?
Fuck no, I don't do things for people.

I would leave her
to go back.
To go back to being cruel
To go back to her
and you

I would do anything
Anything. Just to make it dramatic.
But I can't
Because I deleted her
I erased the monster.
No matter, how much I search
how much I look
I can't find her
I miss her because I miss you

I stood by her side because you were leaving me.
I'm a coward because I'm afraid of being left alone.

I'm still looking for her
But because she got lost
But because she ran away
I put her aside

Because I thought being kind... meant putting her first.

So I blamed him

For making me soft
For making me fall in love with him
Scoff. Fuck him.
I hated him.
But... I knew I was wrong.
I knew what was right.
So I kept falling for him
over and over again.

Everyone says,

"No being kind is good"

"Falling in love is great"

they lied.

For them

Because I'd be cruel to everyone else

who wasn't you or her

But that was okay

Because I was with you and her

Because it was you and her

"She's gone remember"
I know.
She knows.
Everyone knows.

But you're still here...

right?

One last promise, before you do leave...
I'll be brave.
I'll stand up naturally.
I'll find her
And put her first.
Not her Not him Not you
but her
me.

In the end, it was my fault.
For getting her lost.
For letting her go.

Now I wonder...
Do I regret letting her go?

And taking her hand?

Hypocrite.

2010-07-31T05:30:00.006-06:00

credits: cyworld.co.kr

It's Over, It's Done. My birthday that is.
Honestly, I'm really happy about that. lol. I'm weird?
It was peaceful, that day that night.
I liked it.

So, Thank You. For those who came :)
& I'm sorry for those who couldn't.
"I'm not sure", why I'm sorry, but I am.

Alas,
I'm a "hypocrite" ㅎ;

I don't want to go on and on...
About my birthday; that night.
Not cause "I'm lazy"
but that seems to be my excuse lately
I'm just not into the whole 'cheesy'
"that night was full of laughter"
etc.
just not into it.

So I'll continue this post,
with thoughts...
(As I continuously apply Afterbite on my 50 some mosquito bites)

My main goal for the summer:
get a damn job.
Why?
to earn money of course.
to pay off the debt from the surgery my dad's having.
For now,
I'll use my birthday money.
There.
$300 in.
I'll get more tomorrow.
from my family, that is.

Nina ran off,
& Of course, I'm aware of her
'where-abouts'

근데, 언니... 정직하게..
내가 실망했다. 아니. 실망입니다.
왜?
때문... 네가 달릴. 비움.
근데, 왜?
몰라. 아니.
아이 두 노 우아이.
하지만...
난 당신의 물건을 정리하고 싶지 않아요.
~~미안해, 싫어.~~
"Kay, fine don't."

But I can't. Why? Because... I care
I'm always, full of expectations from you. But, I think I should stop.

I'll stop, putting weight on you.
so you can stop carrying me.

I'll stop, pushing you into me.
so you can stop pulling me.

I'll stop, holding your hand.
so you can let me go.

Now, I wonder. Am I still ... Close to you?

몰라. 내가 이상해?

You always say...

" I'll help you."

" I promise. "

But

I can't trust you
not anymore.

You'd hide.

You'd run.

Even from me.
alas, I'm a hypocrite.

I'll still be "by your side".

I'll still be your 'close friend'.

But.

Of course, a but.

I can no longer 'express' who I am.

not to you.

not to anyone.

"Why?"

Because...

If I can't trust you, Nina.

If I can't trust her, Umi.

Who can I trust?

내가 이상해.

진짜.

P.S.

Don't save me.

I'll save myself.
I'll save him
no matter, how much...
I hate him

Omma

Haha, welcome to the world of 'blogs'. Be careful C:

"We're not just any ol' group. We're a Family."

Scoff. A family. Isn't that what everyone wants?
it's what I've always wanted.

이상해.

2010-07-15T19:13:00.002-06:00

I think I'm weird. Actually. I'm not even sure why I'm posting. I'm not sad, nothing's really bothering me, but I'm not happy either.

...Irony by CLassicNightmare

I am now a manager, along with Nina, for a band, called "The Features" (Rora, Owen, Roro, and Sam). It feels exciting to be honest. It's no burden. It's no trouble. It's mutual. Today, along with Nina, we went to our first band meeting. It was weird. Rora felt so different. So did Owen. But, the way they interacted to each other, was as if, they haven't changed at all. Riku felt the same; over the phone. But when I saw her, it felt so different. Just, different. I can't explain. And now I wonder, if I can be the 'manager' after all?

My birthday is coming soon. Yip. Sadly enough, I'm more freaked/stressed out over my birthday party than school. I'm confused about it, honestly. I'm not sure what I want. I want no gifts though -dry cough- I don't want anything big, really. It feels exciting to think, "wow, 언니 is doing this and this," I feel like... a princess. I've never felt like one before. It feels weird. I see no reason on why I deserve to be one. I understand that, "yes, it's my birthday" but... I've never really... ever had the 'royal treatment' whether it was my birthday or not. I'm scared. I'm scared that... actually I'm not even sure why I'm even scared.

'I like Yano'. Do I? Do I really? Honestly, I'm not sure. I saw him yesterday when I was with Micho. I'm sorry, Micho. I lied. I acted. The bubbly feeling I was telling you about, I made it up. When I saw Yano that day, I felt nothing. I said those things thinking in my head it would make Nina happy, thinking I could bring her exciting news. Thinking... I could do what she wants, to be with him. Without having to hurt her... I thought it would make Micho all excited and giddy and bother me to about liking him. But then I thought, "maybe I'm being annoying". To be honest, the only true feeling I had that day was when I said, "frick! I wish I didn't see him today, I look like shit."
I'm acting. I know I am. But for how long can I keep 'acting'? How long will it take... for my lies to catch up to reality. When I was dating 'him', I thought, "perfect I can make him jealous." I thought... once I do make him jealous... I'm done. I get what I want. For him to regret lying... regret toying and playing with me... regret letting me go. And now... the words, "he likes you", all of a sudden, I'm happy. Where butterflies squirm around my stomach making it feel like I have to take a #2 (don't ask, I can't think of a better simile). It's what I wanted, to hear and to have those words.
When I'm with Nina and Yano, I feel like I have everything. I'm happy. And I can't stop being happy afterwards, as if I can conquer the world on that day that I talk to him. I'm not sure when I'm 'acting', my 'acting' became uncontrollable. And then now, I'm confused. I don't know if I like him or not.
The only thing I know for sure is that, I don't want to like him. I'm not even sure why I don't want to. I... don't want to get hurt.

After writing up those 3 things, I realized, I'm afraid. Of everything. Afraid of having responsibilities where I'm actually 'looked up' to. Afraid of being the center of attention, where I am the princess. Afraid of falling in love and actually have someone care about me. Then I realized, there's a similarity to all these 3 things. I'm afraid of being cared about. Afraid of being important.

I'm weird.

I'm happy.

But.

I'm sad.

Untitled.

2010-07-11T21:05:00.000-06:00

For this post, I wanted to put a picture. Not just any picture, but the perfect picture. But... I can't.

I don't remember her, I don't remember who she was. I never really met her either. I recently found out how she died. After all these years... of blaming myself... of torturing myself for her death, I found out the reason. I was told... finally.

A few days after my 'father' left us to go to Canada, my mother and I decided to go back home. Where her mother and father lived, where she grew up, where I was going to grow up.
And then one day, as my mom was leaving to buy groceries, she took care me. She always did. While my mom would go out and buy groceries, or try to get the money to buy them. But that one day... when my mom came back from grocery shopping... she saw me in my grandma's arms and we were both humbly sleeping. My mom shook us both. I woke up, but she didn't.
She had a heart attack while she was sleeping. No sign of any diseases or illnesses. It was so sudden.

I never met her. But I cried and now I'm scared.

I had a dream that night. That she died. That I went into her room and she was laying there without any breath. I woke up, tears running across my face. I ran out my door and saw her sitting quietly in the upstairs living room.

I never met her. I'll never find that perfect picture. I'll never find the perfect title. I'll never find the perfect words. I'll never find the perfect emotions or the perfect feelings. Because I'll never meet her.

I remember... a few days or so ago...
We were getting ready for church. I was too lazy to get up. Too lazy to move. Too lazy to even open my eyes. Almost too lazy to breathe. My mom dragged me out of my bed, and nagged me to go to church.

I yelled at her, "why do I need to believe in God?!"

She yelled back, "So, you can meet your grandma, my mother."

Happy Anniversary ♥

2010-07-09T20:32:00.032-06:00

Wow, hard to believe that it's been pretty much exactly a year ago since I met you guys. Alvin Yu & Lauren Mickel. Sigh. Sitting in summer school without you guys there feels so lonely ㅠㅠ. Yes~ we made many memories ^ㅡ^ but it's pretty hard trying to write memories together since we're usually not on the same page.

Dear 알빈 and 로렌,

The two of you are the best~! And the three of us combined, we make the perfect (summer school) Asian Crew. Together we shared many laughs ㅋ and memories as we suffered through the heats of summer. Calm and Physed was... funner than I expected it to be, thanks to you too ^^. I'm glad we all still keep in contact even though it's been so long we've actually seen each other. I miss those summer school days~ they went by so fast last year. Compared to this years summer school at least, so boring and sloooow.

And don't forget to people we met that summer too. Like, Gar6 and Rad. (Gary and Pradyumna)

Experiencing summer school was full of fun and excitement I must admit. I remember our final project. And the project me and Lauren did together, the one with the money.. and child... and living in a sad basement of someone else's house. (lol, that was a fail, but we got a good mark on it). Usually I hated physed, but dancing and fooling around was probably the best. Even running in the rain was enjoyable :P

Celebrating my 15th birthday last year with you guys was hell fun. :) It was fun~ and meeting Archie along the way too ㅋㅋ hehe. And yes I still have the card that both of you gave me. I read it every time I come across it. It sits on top of my desk actually. And it always seems to make my day.

Dear 알빈 (Alvin),

오빠! (Oppa!) Honestly, you're the best oppa I've ever met or had ^ㅠ^ and still is~ ㅋ You're so kind and tall. YOU GIVE THE BEST PIGGYBACKS :) and I was honoured to help you 'work out' your muscles xD We will always be the A.D.D. Asian badminton superly active and high partners! Although. you must admit, we were pretty darn good. And our massive and long conversations about anything that comes into mind. Oppa~ I love how you know me so well now :P kind of creepy. I shall stalk you. Keep practicing Korean and maybe we can converse or something ^^ since 엄마 can't speak a word of Tagalog or Chinese for that matter. Sigh. Anyways~ 오빠~ wah, you're so cool ㅋand yes! you are the best. You're sweet and kind and always helping others. Always be healthy and safe. Take care oppa! And I hope to see you soon :3 specifically!~ on my 16th birthday.

사랑해요

- 소라.

Dear 로렌 (Lauren),

엄마! (Omma - mother) You still act like a mother :P even after this whole time~ you are still me and oppa's mother ㅋㅋㅋ I love every moment when we fangirl and hopefully your 'Asian-ness" went up~ ^^ Mm, maybe you should learn Tagalog (you're still half Filipino) or Chinese (lol, for oppa~). Every time you pass by my house, you should drop by :P I'm usually home anyway and I finally got my cellphone back so you can text me :D oh~ your message on the birthday card still makes me laugh ㅎㅎ how you wrote it in my bathroom. Locking you up with Archie in my bedroom was fun too. Tehe. Hopefully you can make this years. Turning 16 ^ㅠ^. Then we shall have a family reunion, sadly father (Luna) is going to be there D; she's still in Brazil until the beginning of August. Never forget your children :3 Take care Omma and always be healthy. See you soon.

사랑해요

- 소라.

P.S. How's Archie? ㅋ

I love how, we managed to know each other so well, it such a short little time. I hope to keep contact with both you~ and we shall forever be the Asian Crew. Family love. :)

Dear Mr. 곰...

2010-07-09T01:37:00.005-06:00

Dear Mr. 곰,

First off! You got me addicted to that song, 'I do - 비', hm, I don't know whether to get mad at you because 1. it's annoying. 2. it inspired me to make and re-open my blog ^ㅠ^; Nevertheless, uh... thank you? ㅋ" Honestly, it has been a while... a pretty long while too. I remember awhile ago when you reassured me telling me, "we're still friends... we just don't really talk anymore." Exactly. We didn't talk anymore. But it made me feel warm inside... knowing that you still consider me as a 'friend'. I'm sorry... that I started off our newly friendship with a lie... And although it's only been 5 months since I last gave you a hug, the other day felt as if I haven't seen you in years. While also considering the fact that... I haven't even known you for a year yet. You are... honestly, an amazing, adorable, and a good person ㅋ.. you're... just you honestly. I can't explain, more like... maybe, yes, I'm too lazy to explain, (lol) but just yeah. Maybe I'll explain some other post on some other day.

For now,
I'll try hard to remain friends with you.

I'll try hard not to let you go.

I'll try hard not to hurt you.

I'll try hard not to fall for you again.

Mahal din kita, kapatid.

-소라-

P.S. I missed you.

Okay, so now Nina shall stop nagging me about writing a letter to Yano. As well as writing a responsive letter to Mr. 곰 : )

I do I do.

2010-07-08T18:57:00.004-06:00

Dear Mr. 곰,

I'll write you a letter once my laziness disease goes away and summer school ends. 미안해.

- 소라

Updates. Yes, my page looks lacking, and completely rushed, because it is. I deleted it for a couple of days to run away from it, from me. To lock it up, avoid it, and never see it again. But someone is dragging me here to write a letter to Mr. 곰, but... don't have the time so I'll leave it here.

서로를 느껴가면서 조금씩 서로 알아가면서
언젠가는 우리 어쩌면 둘이 I Do~ 친구들 앞에서~
우리가 친구 사일 넘어서
둘이 영원히 함께 하기로 했다면 I Do~
And II Wanna know 나만 이렇게 느낀거냐고...
아님 네마음도 내마음처럼
영원히 함께 할 꿈을 꾸는지~
I Do I Do 영원히 함께 하겠다는 그말 I Do
너와 있을때마다 조심스럽게 마음 속으로 I Do I Do
Wanna spend my life with you 꿈을 꾸며 I Do
소중한 그 맹세를 할땐 니곁엔 내가
나의곁엔 네가 있기를

손을 잡고 걸어가면서서로에게 발맞춰보면서
영원히 함께 할 수 있는지 느껴봐
And I I need to know 나만 이렇게 느낀거냐고...
아님 너도 내마음처럼
영원히 함께 할 꿈을 꾸는지
(I Do I Do 영원히 함께 하겠다는 그말 I Do)
너와 있을때마다 조심스럽게 나의 마음속으로
I Do I Do Wanna spend my life with you 꿈을 꾸며I Do
소중한 그 맹세를 할 땐 니곁엔 내가 나의 곁엔 니가 있기를
이제 시작한 우리사랑 아직은 모든게 일이지만
그래도 나도 모르게 자꾸 꾸는 꿈 I Do
I Do I Do oh yaeh
그래도 나도 모르게 자꾸 꾸는 꿈 I Do oh yaeh
I Do

I am 'Happy'.

2010-06-27T22:21:00.002-06:00

Honestly, Last night, I got myself tipsy. But I thought... "oh that's okay, I'm with family." My mom was the one that handed me the drink anyway. For majority of the party (after finishing up the prayers and speeches) I headed outside along with my cousin. We're going to call him 'Jiro' (randomly googled up some Japanese name).

I wasn't drunk, I actually remember that night. It was a full moon, and the sky was empty.
It was weird, our conversation, it was serious, but at the same time it wasn't.

I told him how I didn't remember much about 'my childhood'
And then he told me how he remembered almost everything.

Like how I use to get mad at him and his brother (my other cousin, we'll call him Juro), since they would always climb up this tree in their backyard. But I was never able to... So instead, I would keep practicing and practicing by climbing on anything I found. Ironically, they called me a monkey for that. He told me how... the three of us made a list. A list of things we wanted to do...

Like...
- Bungee Jumping
- Parachuting or even sky diving.
- Sleep under the stars
- Swim with a dolphin
- Create the most ultimate and epiciest game in the entire world
And then play it
- Be an extra in a movie
- Make a pig fly
- Then rid on it and fly.

I laughed at each one, and thought of each one. He looked down, and told me we never accomplished any of 'em. Except for one. That night we laid down and stared at the night sky (although the sky was pretty empty, it was quite a sight). We didn't sleep, but that's okay.

We let go of the topic of the past, and started talking about present. I told him about Yamada, I told him about Yano. He told me that if Yamada was still in Edmonton, he'd beat the shit out of him. I even told him about the contract between me and Micho. He told me to stop being a push over. And that I've always been like this. I was pushed around by Juro for a reason. This whole time Juro's been trying to make be stronger and to stand up for myself. He did and it worked. (ish) He told me that we're more cousins, but rather 'brothers' and that if a jerk was to treat me like shit, they'd beat them up for me.

He also told me that Yano was jealous ㅋ; maybe he was? I'm not sure. But I finally got a guy's point of view (other than Micho's). And he told me that I was straight out oblivious especially when it's about love. Tehe.
Although I was tipsy, I still remember what we talked about. I think I'll take his opinions in consideration ^^ He even told me to learn how to lie. ㅎㅎ"

But in other news!~
This is probably going to be my last post after a long time. I told Nina to update for me during my absence :D but I shall be in Vancouver for a week. A week feels like a long time... Hm, for some reason it feels like I'm moving there or something. Kind of scary. But I'll be back! ^ㅠ^ I always come back or at least I try to. It shall be my first task as a girl! ㅋㅋㅋㅋ and get myself new clothes and such :3

Ah~ this post is getting long... Well I haven't posted for almost a week now.. so might as well make it long.

And, I'll wither away with 'it'.

2010-06-19T02:34:00.004-06:00

언니는 울지 말아요 ...
우리는 함께 싸워야한다.
이 전투 ...
그리고 우리는 승리해야합니다.
사랑해.

Tomorrow's hope...

Is far behind.

Yesterday's despair...

Is close behind.

Chasing me,

Trying to hunt,

Trying to attack,

Trying to kill,

Me.

I dodged,

I avoided,

This...

This past

I would run,

Until I no longer saw it.

Until I no longer felt it.

Until I no longer heard it.

Until I no longer smelt it.

Unit I no longer tasted it.

Until...

It was completely gone.

Then...

I became happy.

I became fearless.

I became blissful.

I became naive.

I became oblivious.

I became innocent.

And now...

I remember.

No more distractions,

No more running,

No more dodging,

No more ignoring...

Because I am too weak.

To run,

To dodge,

To even move.

And I will

Let it attack me.

Let it kill me.

Let it savor what's left of me.

Because I can't fight...

Against me.

Lately, I've been trying or maybe just randomly remembering. I'm not sure. All these things about my past. I'm not sure whether it's a 'good' thing or 'bad' thing. Yes, I'm finding out the reasons behind many things. My mother's hate for me, my grandfather's disappointments, my grandmother's death, my father's regrets... I understand. But, I don't want to understand. I don't want to hear the things that 'cause my ears to ring. It hurts. And I'll cry...

But I shall remember...

So I won't make the same mistakes,

And waste my time...

So I have more time...

To go on adventures,

To explore,

To be happy,

With them.

> u<

I will fight.

No matter what.

Until, and as long

As they are there.

空

P.S. Happy ~~fucking~~ Father's day.

I Love You, oh, Thank You.

2010-06-08T00:31:00.074-06:00

A book of Poems

I've decided to create a book of poems.

Since...

The Arts has saved my life

It's what I'm good at...

It's what I'm capable of doing.

Not sure how I'm going to start this.

But for now, I'll leave it at this.

And maybe write some of that?

...
Nina,
I'll never let go
Isn't it funny? Yet somewhat pathetic and saddening. How when you walk away, I'm at a state that I cannot move. And when I walk away, you're the one chasing after me. Whether 'fate' is telling us, "no, you'll never be together," I wanna prove it wrong. We'll prove it wrong. Afterall, before fate there is a decision.
---
But... when I think about it, is 'fate' real? I've never truly believed in it. It's just supposedly there. Honestly, if it was my decision, then maybe I'm just not that "normal". Not necessarily implying that I don't like the way it is now. But, I wonder... if it was my decision to go through that all. Yes, it was worth it... but only for now; but I chose...

To not have a child hood...

Because I would never gain anything...

To not play and have friends...

Because it was a waste of time...

To not eat when I was told...

Because it was only to those who deserve it...

To not love...

Because it was foolish...

To not trust others...

Because they will only betray me...

To never give money away...

Because it's what will save me...

But this is what they told me.

While they told me;

To act like a kid and have a childhood

Because I won't be able to lose anything.

To play and have friends

Because it was worth every second.

To eat when I was told

Because I deserve to live.

To fall in love

Because, although it's foolish; it can be wise.

To trust others

Because I can rely on them.

To give away happiness,

love,

forgiveness,

laughs,

Because it can save someone else.

Thank You.

I Love You.

Because you became my decision

And you became my fate.

10 Things.

2010-06-05T16:30:00.008-06:00

oh mon chien by =To-fu

THE RULES ARE:
"you post these rules"
"each tagged person must post 10 things about themselves on their journal"
"you have to choose and tag"
"go to their pages and tell them you tagged them"

1- This isn't probably that shocking, but I'm a very optimistic person. For some reason, I truly believe that there will be a bright side to pretty much everything - Except for, goodbyes.

2- The humorous question that makes you wonder what it'd be like to be in someone else's shoes, "if you were reincarnated what or who would you be?" To be honest, if I was to be reincarnated, I'd want to be sisters with Nina and Umi... And be a real family with them, no matter the consequence there is.

3- I too, need a job. But I keep putting it aside because of school. Hopefully, during the summer I'll be able to land myself a job~

4- Unlike Umi, Micho and Nina, both of my parents were 'there'. Even though they were 'there', I taught myself to do things on my own. I guess the term, "being raised by a pack of wolves" applies to me. My cousin's, my grandparents, Umi, and Nina... they raised me. And never my parents.

5- Honestly, I think I've only truly fallen in love with someone, once yes, only once.

6- I'm a fan girl ^ㅠ^; I must admit, I love drooling over guys that I probably will never get. My out most favorite is 김희철 (Kim Hee Chul) from Super Junior -- Haven't changed it in years. However, I love underground and indie music as well, so I'm not always about the popular Korean music like 2ne1, Big Bang, SNSD etc. And I must admit that I dislike most of the girl bands. No offence. I like some of their music... but at the moment I'm completely absorbed by 넬 (Nell) (I have to admit they're not the best looking band, but I love Kim Jong Wan's voice) which is an indie rock band and their music has been my background music two times in a row now ㅋ;

7- I have an OCD obsessive compulsive disorder of everything to be neat and organized and ironically enough my favorite colours are white and the occasional black. My clothes are organized according to their colour, a section for red, blue, pink, white, etc. Although I may seem like a complete mess with what I wear, but with my things it must be in some kind of chronically way of organization. Which doesn't make sense to me, since majority of the time I hate cleaning, unless~ I'm picking up after myself. Other than that, I hate it, hate it, hate it.

8- For most of my life art has been my passion. It saved me from a lot of things, but now it's slowly drifting away from my interests. But I still have the passion to design. Although I'm not sure what I "want to be when I grow up" I know for sure it involves designing. Whether it's clothes, foods, furniture or buildings. I love to look at the final project; and for me, it seems worth while going through all the processes of designing the actual product.. and building it and all that. It's just worth it.

9- A couple more things, is that I love to learn. Yes, sounds slightly lame but, if it's something I'm really interested in then I suddenly get this urge to learn it. Sadly, I always end up dropping it and usually don't go back to it. Like guitar, which I was passionate for.. for awhile, the Korean language, which I dropped since my teacher moved away, singing, which I dropped because of the strict rules.. I gave up on a lot of things, yes I'll admit to it. But sometimes I wish I wasn't so fickle. Then maybe it'd be easier to see my real talents and what I'm capable of.

10- One last thing, my dream is to travel. To go there, ~~here~~, anywhere and everywhere. It has always been my dream.

I have to admit, majority of the things I put on weren't very detailed. But I just love simplicity (there that's my #11)

空

Well, I'll tag the left overs: Nina and Micho.

I, The Monster.

2010-06-01T23:44:00.003-06:00

After the rain by: Hylas @deviantart

I am incompetent.

Never doing enough,

Always doing something wrong

Never something right

All I can do; is fight,

All I know; is how to fight,

For him or for her,

For my “family”

But never for me

Always the “strong” one

But always the one running

The foolish one…

Avoiding this and that

The “weak” one…

That never faces herself in the mirror

Now…

The “strong” one is

Carrying no one

Holding no one

And fighting for no one

The “weak” one is

Too weary

To carry all the weight

To have a tight grasp onto their hands

To be strong enough to fight their battles

And…

I was never able to fight my own battles

I was never able to hold onto my own hands

I was never able to carry my own weight

But now

It’s coming after me

And it’ll never stop

Until it eats me alive

It’ll never stop

Until it makes me suffer

And it is satisfied.

It’s…

What I fear the most

What I have never been able to face

My past

The one that haunts me

The one that tortures me

The one that constantly lingers in my mind

The one that I threw out

But…

It’s coming back

For revenge

And I’m too weak, to fight this battle

I am too useless

Too foolish

To be allowed to survive this life

So let it…

Eat me alive.

Since I am the sickening monster

That will never deserve, this or that.

Play.

2010-05-29T08:47:00.002-06:00

My mind's seemingly everywhere.
It's here, or it's there.
I'm not sure.
Whether I want to be sure or not
I can't control it.

I woke up today...

Surrounded by blood and sweat

My nose was bleeding

And my temperature was throbbing

But my condition wasn't what scared me

My dream did.

A dream where...

Nina disappeared and never returned

A dream where...

Umi has never existed in my life

A dream where...

Micho wasn't there to comfort me with his arms wrapped around me

A dream where...

I could not hear Riku and Luna laugh

A dream where...

Yano's reassurance was never there

A dream where...

I was all alone

With no one there

while I was here.

A dream that

I fear

Yet waiting for

it to come true.

Rewind back to the past

The past that holds my "child hood"

Skip the sad moments

That no one ever deserves.

Slow motion back to my happiness

That belonged to me

That I've never truly appreciated

Fast Forward past the memories

That I don't want to remember

Pause at the moments

Where I laughed the most

And never stop so that I...

Can Live Forever.

Rewind back to my past that I fear the most

The past that gave me a scar that cannot heal

Skip the happy moments

I never deserved them anyway

Slow motion back to my loneliness

That has always belonged to me

But I could never face

Fast Forward past the memories

That I want to remember

Pause at the moments

Where I cried the most

And stop at the point where

I will die.

But most of all PLAY

The present that holds the future.

The Boy who was Abducted.

2010-05-27T01:06:00.001-06:00

image credits to: G672 @deviantart

Dear Nina ,

Here is my lovely proof of your nonsensical lie.

So you see, one beautiful lovely day~ there was a boy named Yano. As he was strutting down the streets on his way home, he dropped his precious cellphone as he was texting HIS girlfriend. Suddenly, without realizing a UFO rose above his head. With flashing red, yellow and green lights as if it was a traffic light. A light beamed from over top of him and carried him away into the UFO. Where he was forcefully brain washed into a new person. A person that Sora did not recognize. DUNDUNDUN. The aliens took pride in their work and wanted to see how the new Yano would interact with the human world. However, there was one flaw that the aliens could not fix, his face! (Kidding ^^;). His face was still the old decent Korean face of his ㅋ. Yano was a whole new person; he studied, attended all of his classes and treated everyone and everything kindly. Thus the reason why Yano seems so indifferent with Sora and has nothing to do with Sora getting a new hubby.

And everyone lived happily ever after with their new love lives. The End!

- Love, Sora .

Just be Friends.

2010-05-25T21:10:00.006-06:00

credits to image: mou-S @deviantart
If I was to become lost again, I don't want it to be you who finds me.

Ah~ it feels good to say that life is full of happiness ^ㅠ^ Although spring has blossomed and the flowers are blooming. As well as love lives~ but before I get too deep for now, I wanna succeed in making friends with pretty much~ the first person I've ever liked, Yano. I talked to him today~ Nina said "oh oh oh, you still like him" yatta yatta yatta, but I~ proudly disagree. For me it's more like... It's nice to know that I still exist to him.. Honestly I do wish I could restart everything with my relationship with him. I have to admit it's still in a state of awkwardness; not as much as before, but still awkward. I miss him; but no longer as a "lover" or as someone I "liked" but as a friend... Because in the end, in my mind, I still think of him as a good person. Honestly, I don't want to lose him.. like the way I lost Yamada.

Hmm.... Now that I think about it, I have 3 goals that I should start on...

- Make Nina healthy

- Become friends with Yano

- Become a woman :3

All-in-all, I'm happy that my bear (곰) talked to me again.

Time to Grow Up.

2010-05-24T23:11:00.001-06:00

Ah, so far everyone in my group of friends that have a blogspot are writing out depressing posts ㅠㅠ But I'm not in a down-sided mood, and because I'm a little hyped up from sugary sweetness~ I can't pull myself together to write out a very serious post.

Well, it saddens me that there's school tomorrow. Honestly, I hate getting up in the morning, getting dressed, and just suffocating in all of my 4 horrifying classes (which by the way, are all cores). Sigh, when I saw high school through movies I thought classes never existed. Silly? But~ it was an amusing and wonderful dream that I had on how I would spend my 3 years.

However! All in all, I am kind of looking forward to tomorrow even though I have a bad feeling of it. Hm, I find that slightly strange, but then again, it is me. Hopefully all the BS that's going around goes away even if it has a break a few things. It's seriously annoying and troublesome to deal with, and majority of this BS is completely incompetent and non-relative to... anything important really. But whatever, it's high school. Whether you expect the unexpected, expect something.

And before my blog becomes too sour, I'd like to proudly announce that I've decided to~ become a woman. Not implying anything, just saying I guess physically and mentally to become a lil more girly. Tomorrow, I shall survive the day in a pair of high heeled sandals (hm not quite sure what they're called) and applying a few touches of make-up according to this tutorial with a few minor Nina touches~ I'm looking forward to a more grown up me ^ㅠ^ Most who know me; know me as a "kid" or a "little sister" etcetc, but I shall be seen in a different light! Plus, the high heels give me a few boosts (height wise) ㅋ

Well, time to float away from typing this post but~ before I do that~

Nina 언니~ 사랑해 ㅋ In life you need weapons, yes that's true. Actually now that I think about it, I think I told you that. But anyways, you do have weapons, but you need to learn how to use them and master them. I use to be similar to you actually, always rushing into things... thinking that if I get this and that I'll be happy. While I was walking, I did drop a few things, but some reason I never went back to them, except for one important person... Umi. The moment I left Hilda, she let me go. And the moment you left my house, our house, I let you go. But no matter what, I never forgot her. Of course I didn't. While I was walking, taking my adventure, grasping all the happiness I could get, I couldn't bring Umi. And I thought, if she's not there, I'll never be completely happy... my weapons won't be complete. But then I thought, but then I realized more-so, I couldn't bring her. I shouldn't bring her. But even through all these things... even though we both managed to let each of us go, look at us now. We're still close, we're still friends, we still see each other every now and then, scratch that I see her like everyday. But~ not the point. Actually, along my way to writing this... I lost my point. ㅋㅋㅋ; Hmm... uh... Like... I do and still wish that in the future I'd be able to carrying around Umi on my back and go on adventures together. But, that's a lot of things to carry... When I see you trying to carry me around, I always think that I'm hurting you or that I'm a burden to you knowing that you have a lot of other things to carry too. Because no matter how strong a person is, they can still fall down hard.

And honestly, I think if I was to paint you a rainbow, it'd look ugly. (figuratively speaking, and kind of literal)

Umi-San? ww; Looking back at everything and comparing our two different personalities and lives for that matter, I always thought you were the stronger one. I know, and you know, pretty much everyone knows that I don't exactly have the best and most comforting words. At times I get too overly cheesy, so I don't want to say: "oh no~ you're beautiful INSIDE and OUT" although you are, SEE. Cheesy/corny/overused/absurdly cliche. Honestly, I was jealous of Emma too. She was prettier, she was smarter, and at one point I just that she was just down right better. I've been jealous of Nina too, but looking back at her hardships, she ended up with a beautiful life. Where she's pampered, and she gets what she needs. That's why I didn't want to hold her back from that life, so I never fought for her. I've been jealous of you too actually. Thinking, "wow she's so strong," or "wow she's so cool" Although it's kind of sad, but I see you as a mother ^^ one that I've never had. One that took the time to raise me, one that actually had the patience. (I was gonna use the word nurtured... but it sounded awkward...). But at the same time, I always thought that I was too weak to take care of you, too weak to fight with you during your battles. I was jealous, because you were able to be there during my battles, my fights, AND MY MOMENT OF NEED, weird. wwww.. I'm not sure how to rephrase this, but I'll aim for a decent analogy. Where a child looks up at their mother, and thinks that they're the most amazing and most beautiful thing? person. In the world. Although, it's kind of a weird way to put it... If you think about it, all these years we've never really defined our friendship. But anyways back to my analogy, I look up to you, thinking that you're my role model, even if it doesn't have to be education wise or wealth or anything like that. I look up to you, because of the words that you say, the things that you do, AND THE LOVE THAT YOU GIVE ME~ ^_^ I'll listen to you, I'll walk with you, and I'll love you~

Tonight was the night.

2010-05-24T01:13:00.004-06:00

Ah, it's been a year already since our camp out, -sigh.

I have no regrets from that night, but for some reason... I'm feeling some remorse of this night. The fact that there was a possibility of this kind of moment to happen again, but I never grabbed that chance. Maybe it was fate, telling me, telling us to start a new tradition. But I like the old tradition, I see nothing wrong with it, but at the same time... it's not like we can go back to them.

On March 23rd 2009, also marks the day where Sora, I, chose my high school~ and to decide that, we decided (Umi, Nina, and I) to pick out of a hat.

But we also promised to keep smiling everyday, not just cause it's healthy, but just cause. And no matter~언니~ we shall always Smile Again ^ㅠ^
Ah~ so far all my posts have been memory posts... Well this month, a year ago, was a very... memorable month but it was also the last month that I hung out with Nina in my house... after a very long time~ Well it's pretty late now ^^; 잘자.
P.S.

空

Buffering.......... 86%

2010-05-22T03:36:00.014-06:00

"날 우습게 보는 너!
내가 아무것도
못할거라고 생각하는너!
절못 본 거야..
내 인생은 언제나. "

Sora here So, I have to admit I'm not exactly 100% complete. I feel like adding a few things here and there, but I'm not sure what. I'm running a little low on my creative ideas, I should probably recharge myself... I believe it's around 3 AM where I'm at. Honestly, I can't sleep, my minds scattered all over the place. That being my reason on why I decided to open an individual blog~ My original blog, and main blog, is shared with my dearest friend, Nina . She's my little bunbun~

Ironically enough, exactly a year ago was my junior high grad... May 22nd, 2009.

Kokoro - Nina - Sora

Sigh, I really miss these days, but who knows if I'll ever get them back.

空.

Always a fighting day 아자아자